This is my Easter story. My dying and rising again story. This is the story that came into my mind to be remembered today.
At the age of 30 I experienced a life changing transformation. For about the 10 years before had been away from God. Off on my own believing that I could only depend on myself. Thinking that I could keep it all under control. I had such a tight lid on my actions that no one had any idea I had gotten so depressed that I just wanted to be dead.
In desperation I realized that if I was willing to die, then perhaps trying something new was a good idea. What could it do- kill me? I ended up finding this prayer written by Catherine Marshall called, Give Me a Dream.
God, Once-it seems long ago now-I had such big dreams, so much anticipation of the future. Now no shimmering horizon beckons me; my days are lackluster. I see so little of lasting value in the daily round. Where is Your plan for my life, God?
You have told us that without vision, we people perish. So God in heaven, knowing that I can ask in confidence for what is Your expressed will to give to me, I ask You to deposit in my mind and heart the particular dream, the special vision You have for my life.
And along with the dream, will You give me whatever graces, patience and stamina it takes to see the dream through to fruition? I see that this may involve adventures I have not bargained for. But I want to trust You enough to follow even if You lead along new paths. I admit to liking some of my ruts. But I know that habit patterns that seem like cozy nests from the inside, from Your vantage point may be prison cells. Lord, if You have to break down any prisons of mine before I can see the stars and catch the vision, then Lord, begin the process now. In joyous expectation, Amen.
In my life I had shut a door to the energy of God. I had cut it off. And I was empty, drained, and in true despair. I was only willing to open the door a crack as I said this prayer, and – whoosh -everything in my life was tossed in the air! It felt like I was ripped out of a decent story book that I understood, and was pasted into a book with blank, white, empty, pages. Terrifying.
As I was experiencing this spiritual journey, I had a dream. I was been very upset about how much was changing in my life. I couldn’t understand why it had to happen. Why I had to lose so much. Why my life had been totally disrupted. In my dream I was outside of a building that was covered in scaffolding with people working on the outside walls. In the dream I was standing outside with the contractor. He was explaining to me that they only intended to remodel the inside of the building. They had been working on it a long time but had gotten to the point when they couldn’t improve anything else on the inside because the outside wouldn’t support it. That they had to stop work on the inside and change to working on the outside.
I was upset by the dream. Was the dream telling me that I wasn’t able to support the change that was needed? But then I realized the message of this dream. I had done all of the internal changes in myself and work was at a standstill. That the outside things in my life needed to change so that I could continue along my path of growth, which is what I had asked God for in my prayer.
I think this is why I was reminded of this story from my past today, Easter 2020. When a great transformation for our world seems to be before us. What if -we as humans have been growing, developing, along the spiritual path? What if – we are at a point where the outside not longer works, and it’s become a ‘prison cell’. What if – it’s time for us to ‘break out.’ What if – while what we are going to experience will ‘kill us’ in ways literal and symbolic, it will also set us free to build a new life?
Easter is about transformation.
Maybe we just are being too restricted by the shell we are in. Maybe there are enough people who are ready for a spiritual growth-spurt. Seems like we ARE about to be pasted into a new book with blank, white, empty, pages. Terrifying. So maybe we are about to have the freedom to write a new story.
I only know that this is the pattern of my own spiritual journey with God. Remembering this story has brought me peace today. The possibility that there might be a transformation ahead for our world because we are ready to grow. I remember that my transformations have included upheaval, loss, sadness, and heartbreak. But then they brought me deep, wonderful, profound growth. A life richer with relationships, authenticity, meaning and openheartedness.
Are we about to break out?