Originally published 8/4/2014
I choose to no longer believe the common saying- “Actions speak louder than words.” For my entire life I have believed that actions tell us more than words, or intention. But in my journey to deep and authentic community I find that am being led astray when I listen to actions over intentions. When I believe the actions are more true than what someone tells me then I feel justified in being critical and judgmental.
I spent 10 years in Al-anon. In that program I learned that the actions of the addict are the “addiction” and not the person. If I only judged the actions I would continue to condemn the addict and treat them with distain. When I was able to see that their intentions were good but their ability to ‘act’ in alignment with those intentions was currently beyond them, then I could be detached from their painful actions and allow them some freedom. But I was set free too; to love the person I knew was there and be in a place where I could offer grace and compassion. I could still see their actions as wrong and control my interactions with them. In fact sometimes that meant I wasn’t around them much. My life changed when I finally was able to believe their words more than their actions, and I experienced the serenity that is a promise of 12 step programs.
Here is another example, I was part of a very committed small group and one participant was a woman who was a real challenge for me. She and I frequently found ourselves in “dynamic tension”. That means that I would feel pushed and try to point out to her how she was being pushy, or I would just push back. This group used the intentional community building practices that I teach so we had a lot of opportunities to get to know each other deeply. I came to believe in the sincerity of her intentions. I came to know her life story that had taught her that she had to attack for her own security. Finally I trusted that her intention was to listen, to be open and to be in a loving place with me. Her actions to verbally attack were from years of training in her ‘family of origin’. I got to know her well enough to trust her intentions. That does not mean her actions were acceptable, but because I decided to trust her intention and not her actions I could extend grace and compassion towards her. I could love her and set the limits I needed to while staying in-relationship with her.
I am finding that my life is very different when I trust intention over actions. As I learned from my time in 12 step work I can set boundaries on the actions and how I responded to them. The main difference for me is that when I know a person well enough to trust their intentions then I can invest time into our relationship and I can stay in-relationship even when I am limiting my interactions with them. I don’t have to condemn them for their actions and I don’t Walk Away. With respect I can support them in their efforts to have their actions match their intentions. I know that the challenging time and effort I take to be honest with them and share with them how their actions are affecting me is in both of our best interest.
The great part is that when I do this for others I can anticipate that they will do it for me too. I get to be less-than-perfect and make mistakes. I can trust that when my actions don’t match my words that my community will point it out to me with compassion and grace and not push me away. I know that when I don’t feel threatened I can let down my wall of ego to make changes in my actions.
Even as I write this I can feel the freedom it gives me, the serenity. I get to care about people and can assume they will care about me. I don’t have to take others actions personally and can be vulnerable. I don’t have to be so judgmental. I am set free to live in a community of love and grace.
If your intention is to give love, compassion and grace then this is how you can make sure that your actions match your intentions! Invest the time to listen, ask questions, and be in-relationship with others. Be willing to see if it is possible to trust their intentions more than their actions. When you can do that then, you will be free, and they will be free, and you will experience a new way to be in community. Authentic community that is inclusive, inter-connected, real and powerful; where we will all be free to BE who we came here to be.
This is the new saying that I am going to use, “Trust intentions more than actions.”